Get Out Of This House

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psuedo-nonfiction, 2010
Whether you live in the gothic South or in the evil depths of historical New England, the information within may very well save your life! Far from the usual sheet-hugging propaganda, this account includes everything one must know to correctly identify your spectral woes, and the most effective methods to purge this deviant, unnatural assholitry from the lives of the people you care for.

In this manual, hailed by many experts*** as an "essential primer for dealing with the afterlife's most harrowing bullies", you will learn:

• A brief history of Hauntings in fiction and the dangers of bullshit artistic romanticism.
• How to identify your spirit and what you should do to exorcise it forever****
• What motivates the dead, why you shouldn’t care anyhow, and the answer to the ages-old question: “Why resist your final peace, just to rattle chains and act like a spoiled little peckerhead?"
• and much much more!

C.P. Clayton***** has been a fakelorist and scholar in all things ethereal for close to two decades. He is one of the country’s tireless advocates for the rights of the living and our continuing pursuit of an existence free of desperate and wicked supernatural antics.
*** no experts of any kind have ever hailed this manual.
**** This booklet is for laughs; it will not help you to exorcise any ghosts, real or imagined.
*****C.P. Clayton is one of the many pen names of Charles Keith, perpetrator of Pulp Infection—the most nasty, gut-churning and sexy magazine in the world.

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